After 35, your body ages in dog years
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Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.