Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
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Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Barbie gone wild
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Stop.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.