@Home_Halfway: Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you're literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
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@TheMichaelRock: Oh, did my tweet insulting a celebrity upset you? Maybe you should tell them about it the next time you guys hang out.
@bingowings14: My hangover has been going on for so long that I'm beginning to wonder if Peter Jackson directed it.
@FlyJ_: Him: *down on one knee* Will you marry me? Me: Nah, I'm good, but... (puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
@AndyRichter: After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they'd start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers