@Home_Halfway: Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you're literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
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@pauleggleston: I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
@dave_cactus: ME: Sorry I'm late, I had computer problems. BOSS: Hard drive? ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
@topaz_kell: The good news about falling down the stairs is that my Fitbit counted it as a mile walk.
@AlexvanBeek: Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.