Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
You Might Also Like
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
greetings!
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing