Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
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Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks