4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
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Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Animal poetry
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.