[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
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Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
My plans: 2020:
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Posting this on behalf of a friend
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”