[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
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Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Labreador
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.