Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
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son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Accurate
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.