i like to flex on them by shrugging
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what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
love it when they get my name right
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what