@batkaren: JON: What should I do with these extra mustard packs? MARY: Just stuff 'em in the Lazy Susan. SUSAN: Hey, I'm right here! (*remains seated*)

@AimeeHelene1: When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it. Don't ruin this for me!

@EndhooS: Wife: He's just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused Psychiatrist: Is this true? Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

@RidiculousSheri: "Shelley's coming over." "Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?" *gets hit in the face with poop*

@GabbbarSingh: Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary.