Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
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Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
😲 WTF? 😆
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel