Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
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Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.