me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
You Might Also Like
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
August 8
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.