@MrGeorgeWallace: Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

@pleatedjeans: *requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

@Ideal_Victoria: Shhhhh! I can't hear about how God spoke to you! I'm busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

@papasuncle: Wife: Valentine's day is right around the corner. Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

@veggiefemme: A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.