I have no passwords left in me
You Might Also Like
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO