“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
You Might Also Like
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
put ‘er there pardner!
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
You’ll be OK
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.