“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
You Might Also Like
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”