Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
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[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.