@LittleHarmonica: Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they'll leave you alone.
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@Kyle_Lippert: "How'd you die?" "I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?" "I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen" "Oh.."
@juliussharpe: When I die, I'm not donating my body to science, but I might donate it to the English department and freak the shit out of some people.
@Fickle_Filly: You know it's time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.