Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
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If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.