My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
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tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Me in tagged photos
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
How to woo a woman
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
I’ve had relationships like this
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow