@SteveSuckington: Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@RoosterMustache: [having sex] ME: oh yeah do you like that HER: faster! ME: *like an auctioneer* doyoulikethat-isee$5foryes-$5foryes-doisee$10-$10foryes
@Chumpstring: My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that's the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.
@protolalia: Me: You're kidnapping me? Where're we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name- Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
@InternetHippo: [genie emerges from his lamp] Master, what is thy— [he sees me on the bed pointing at the remote like 3ft away] Are u kidding me