@SteveSuckington: Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
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@StupidSophia_: Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
@Honda_954: Two cannibals are eating Dane Cook. One says to the other, "does this taste funny", the other replies "No".
@AdamTheLobster: This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.