them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
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Netflix and scream at our children?!
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Put a ring on it
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Encore…
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work