Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
This bar smells like my childhood.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Batman v Dracula
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.