“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
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Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
yes… yes…
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs