“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
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That took me a moment.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
it was love at first sight
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Do not steal food from the science building!
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day