Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
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I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it