“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
You Might Also Like
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
this is the best interaction on twitter
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist