You Might Also Like
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
And bowling should be called pinball
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”