I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
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I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….