You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
You Might Also Like
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”