The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
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BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
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Morningbreath
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I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
#milo
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification