Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
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Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Okay me first
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall