@Bandersnaaatch: Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
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@Poutymcgee: The cat licks itself and it's cute. I do it and I'm "no longer allowed in the library".
@ericsshadow: WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me ME: she's a liar WIFE: are you saying her dog didn't die? ME: [wiping sweat] I love you
@SCbchbum: "I'll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk." "Miss, that's just a cup of caramel sauce." "You heard me."