@Bandersnaaatch: Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
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@TheSwanDon: Ugh I hate the bathroom at this mall. There's not a single urinal. Just a bunch of women screaming.
@Cheeseboy22: I could never join the army because I'd never be able to figure out what time it is.
@DamonHunzeker: The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
@offbeatoliv: Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is "guilt" I pretty much have it in the bag.