Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
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What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
The future is now.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.