14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
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Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
termite twitter scares me
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”