Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
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discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
If only.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
The Others (2001)
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.