kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
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Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”