kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
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Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called