kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
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911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
You learn something every day
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep