“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
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These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I love it all
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them