Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
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Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
groan^2
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
i’m sure it’s fine
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.