Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
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Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.