Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
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Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?