@1Happytwit: Kids don't scare me cause their little arms aren't strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
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@sofarrsogud: [TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND] 'Oh yeah, I love to cook!' *removes salad from the microwave
@Home_Halfway: INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills? ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying 'Decent'*
@NikiWithIssues: A cool fun way to stop his snoring so you can finally get some sleep is to separate the head from the body.