@1Happytwit: Kids don't scare me cause their little arms aren't strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
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@juliussharpe: A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: Carol's hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I'd LOVE u to do that ME: Ok [next day] ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don't get it either
@inSanelySami: Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.
@TwatyTweets: When I have kids I'm gonna tell them drugs are good for them. It's the only way I can be sure they won't try them.