Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
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Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂