Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
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I’m not proud
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”