[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
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2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again