[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
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Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh