KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
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well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
“HELP WITH CAT”
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall