“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.