Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Smooooooth