Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
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If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.