“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
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genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me